Forgiving Faith

Gold Star Christianity: Killing Your Witness

2010-11-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

It’s irritating and at times repulsive. I think this one’s going to need two parts.

High school students at the public school where I taught were interested in studying world religions and an inquiry went out for a volunteer supervisor to provide a classroom and oversee their discussions. Students with these kinds of interests are very receptive to teacher input and ask a lot of questions, which frees the teacher to be candid about their own personal beliefs while still being protected by the law. I already had two clubs and a leadership position in my department but I was sure one of the other three Christian teachers in my department would step up for this opportunity.

Instead, the one teacher who did respond, let the entire school know that as a “disciple of Christ” s/he could not support such a meeting unless it was strictly a Christian club for the glory of God and would otherwise refuse. Because of course it can only be used for the glory of God if it has Christian in the title, right?

Instead, this opportunity to form relationships with students and talk with them about spiritual matters in a setting where spiritual matters are normally taboo became a moment for this teacher’s own personal social edification. Please, even Jesus wasn’t like this. Christians have made witnessing an indication of their own spiritual worth and devotion rather than forming relationships with/between people and Christ.

Enthusiastic church-goers urge each other on with “Are you getting the Word out? Are you representing Christ? Are you loving people? Are you making friends with people from all walks of life? We spend so much time asking, “Am I living so people can see Christ in me? How do I show them I’m different? How can I work an altar call into my lunch break?”

Who is the focus of the prompt? Seriously, with all these trees it’s so difficult to find the forest…

The question isn’t, “is there anyone”, the question is, “Am I?” and this may seem like the anal-retentive semantic misnomer of a bitter English teacher—which it is—but it’s not that…only.

It’s all about getting that Gold Star. We used to get them in first grade Sunday school and they were awesome and yet so symbolically tragic. Our sense of compassion, our ability to see and empathize with loss and hurt is swept over by our need to redeem ourselves by redeeming others. If you feel sympathy for how “unbelievers” are swept into sin instead of empathy for a fellow sinner, you’ve forgotten that you also need grace, which is harmful for your relationship with Christ (obviously) and it’s harmful for your relationship with others.

Reading “How People Grow” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, concerning a Christian leader overcoming an addiction,

During a meeting with his leader group, one of the men asked me, “Can you guarantee me that he’ll never do this again?” I remember that a feeling of protectiveness came up inside me. I said, “I can’t guarantee that you nor I will ever do this, on the basis of God’s Word.” We talked about the problem of sin and weakness described in Romans 7 and how dependent we all are on God’s grace. The discussion worked out well. Yet I think that that sense of protectiveness was based on my identification with the pastor’s weakness. (91, italics mine)

And of course, that could totally jeopardize your Gold Star.

You CANNOT save people. You’re not called to save them. You’re called to love EVERYONE as Christ would love them because the balance of the Fall at this point is such that Christ is not physically present here. Stop trying to save them and live in the sphere where God has placed you and if God brings someone who needs caring (Christian, non-Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, First and a Half Baptist, Bahai, Catholic, Protestant, Zoroastrian, whatever) into your sphere, take the time to care.

Seriously, God’s not going to give you a Gold Star for each person you drag into church. When you meet a non-Christian (which, if this is a rare occurrence we have another problem), don’t look at them like a Gold Star. If you’re only interested in leading them to Christ, getting them into pews, they’re a Gold Star. And they will know it.

Why Learning to Teach is Like Sex

2010-07-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

One day, as I sat thinking through all the changes I had undergone during my first few years teaching, I arrived at a profound conclusion. Teaching is like sex. Unmarried and only too religious, I didn’t know first hand, but things people had said kept popping up in my head and I have to acknowledge the connection.

Now, important disclaimer: I am NOT in any way linking sex with the students, advocating inappropriate behavior with students or attempting to make light of the tragic circumstances students too often must unfortunately face. I'm merely linking the emotional responses I personally had with some rather colorful conversations I've had with people. If I step out of line, please do not hesitate to comment so I can remedy it.

So, with every endeavor to keep the subject G-rated, here's what I came up with:

It’s going to hurt the first time, but it will get better.

The first year teaching has some surprising hurts and discomforts that are rather painful the first time, but over time become natural and enjoyable. No matter how you prepare for it, the first year is challenging. The struggle is trying not to find this as a reflection of yourself as a teacher/human being. As you experience teaching, day-by-day, you will strengthen, and reshape to emerge as a successful teacher. To drive the point further home, you become more flexible and learn how to improvise. However, as with sex, expect to be feeling sore and tired at the start but cling to the hope that things will get better.

Don’t try anything fancy the first time.

The first time I went into a classroom I rehearsed every line before going in, planned these great motivational speeches, basically reinventing the wheel. While these things are all really great, the main thing is getting the idea across to the students and providing them with the tools to study and return to. Enjoy the discovery and the simple things before tackling the more involved…endeavors. If these things get in the way of that and make your head spin in thirty different directions, dump them. Don’t let them distract you from the goal of actually teaching the students. Most don’t really care about power point you stayed up till 3 a.m. to make anyway.

It takes a few years before you’re really good.

Half way through my first year, I was able to stop and list all the things I wanted to try again the next year, only differently. It is 100% okay if your first year is a disaster, barring illegal activity that is… It’s so difficult to not let self-criticism completely devour you, especially when the students can be pretty harsh as well. Don’t lie to yourself to feel better; you probably are making mistakes and doing things you will look back on and say, “I will NEVER do that again”; but, that’s okay. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to be a learner, just like you would your own students.

If you really want to make it work, you need to commit.

Some people enter the teaching profession thinking it will be an 8 to 3 job, respectively. It’s not. Not at all. When I worked at a bookstore during my undergrad years, I clocked in and clocked out and had the freedom to tell people I’d clocked out, please talk to-and-so if you need help. If an unpleasant person came in, I told my manager we needed more “nickels” at the cash register and fled to the seclusion of the backroom. If a customer got out of hand, I could send them to my manager who could tell them to call corporate. Lunches were mine; fifteens were mine. Teaching, I am in action from getting out of my car to getting back in my car. There are no fifteens. Lunches are spent supervising detentions, tutoring, counseling, or any combination of the three. The same for after school. Could I just show up, kick the kids out during lunch and go home exactly on contract? Sure. You could also just show up and go straight to intercourse. You do the math.

Don’t use it to get revenge or self-fulfillment.

Some people subconsciously go into teaching to reconnect with their adolescence or resolve social teenage angst. Perhaps the nerdy outcast—my high school caste status—trying to make life easier for today’s generation of nerdy outcasts or the cheerleader who never quite got over being second rate and wants to inspire today’s generation of pom-pom dignitaries. These are worthy things to keep in mind while teaching, just like a guy who maybe was unreasonably demanding in a previous relationship really focusing on being compassionate in a new relationship. However, these should not be the ends to the means of teaching. Though not always the case, there is the risk of sending a teacher’s past turmoil into the student’s present turmoil. Observe. The nerdy outcast may be overtly attentive (which can be just plain creepy) to certain students while alienating others, who would then turn on the very nerdy outcasts s/he had set out to protect. The second rate cheer coach may nearly kill his/her students before realizing s/he has completely demoralized them or turned them into the same tormented perfectionist. Not to mention, students in general LOVE to display ridicule for their teachers and, like animals, they smell fear and insecurity. Go in, looking forward at your new faces, not looking behind at the ones that only exist in your memory.

Some things need to be kept sacred.

Really not sure how to keep the G-rating with this one. If there is something special between you and your partner don’t use/perform it every night, don’t talk to other people about it, don’t google it online; in the words of Gandalf, “Keep it secret. Keep it safe”. Don’t let something precious become a byword or a daily routine, which also means don’t be afraid to love contentment over constant overwhelming gratification. One mistake I made numerous times, especially as a first year dance teacher, was to bring too many of my personal passions into the classroom (though definitely not those types of passions). I would choose a song I really loved for some choreography I was teaching, a song that got my pulse racing or my eyes tearing, made me completely and unsafely lose my focus while driving on the freeway. However, by the end of a fortnight, I would absolutely HATE that song from hearing it over and over and over again in the space of thirty minutes a day with the association of screaming at high school freshmen to pay attention, get off their phones, put away their make-up, pay attention, stop talking, try again, no—like this, pay attention! That song is no longer allowed on my radio/cds/iphone/ipod, etc…

Leaving your first is really painful.

In how many movies have we seen this? Buffy crying over Angel, Carrie’s Rachel’s best friend throwing herself off the school roof to smash into a windshield, Sookie losing Bill? Remember that this pain is valid; telling yourself it’s okay beforehand helps you grieve when you want to lose it.

I had collected some discarded student projects when cleaning out my room at the end of my first year. So far, so good. I made it to the trash can and then burst into tears (I eventually did let them go, with the support of friends and family). Leaving my first school after the ’09 budget cuts, I sat in my room completely still, occasionally bursting into tears when someone asked if I was staying. When I closed my door for the last time, it was like something out of a melodrama and I swear it echoed and angels wept. When I turned in my key, I thought I would vomit and when I drove away, I knew I’d left some of my heart behind.

It hurt, …. But it was going to be okay.

8. It’s Not Like It Is In the Movies (this section coming soon ;)

"Just" Nothing

2010-07-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am really sick of just trying. Really.

I’m over it.

It’s an epidemic throughout our church. It’s the kind of crap that came from the friends of Job. It’s the kind of inconsistency between the Church and the teachings of Christ that drives away interested souls and alienates those of us who every minute of the day feel like we will never try enough. I’m also tired of hearing that everybody feels this way, because it’s not true, not everyone feels this. What am I talking about?

We’re the ones who lie in bed in the morning and wish we could hold onto unconsciousness.

We’re the ones who believe we sin because we’re fallen but also because we’re hurt.

We’re the ones with depression, mental illness, whatever you want to call it. We’re the ones that function well enough to be overlooked, but not enough to be pitied.

We are the invisible people in churches, who try to blend in, who envy cheerful soccer moms and weeping worship leaders and wonder what’s wrong with their own spiritual lives.

You just need to trust the Lord more.

You just need to give it to God.

You just need to not worry.

You just need to realize we’re more than conquerors!

You just need to stop focusing on your problems.

You just need to spend more time thinking about other people.

I’m one of those people who need to try harder. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, including anxiety and panic attacks, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, including depression. My best friend has Lupus, including depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and another friend confessed to me in shame that she was having panic attacks but didn’t want to tell anyone at church.

Wait, we’re hiding in church? And you wonder why they hate us?

NEWSFLASH: James 2:15-17

“Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?”

Wait, I thought church was where you went to get healing and to confess your needs with people with the same belief system.

But instead, we are scared into silence and saccharine smiles, because if we confess, they will stare confusedly at us and tell us to “just_____________.” This isn’t just offering helpful suggestions that I’m talking about; it’s the assumption that we must be doing something wrong or we would be just as holy as you are. What the church doesn’t seem to understand is that the Bible doesn’t teach you to help out with attitude adjustments. There is a difference between depression and sadness, anxiety and crabbiness, and if you’ve never felt it, don’t try to imagine it, because you genetically can’t. We don’t need an attitude adjustment, we need love and support. Believe it or not, you do not see the entire picture. Your reminders won’t achieve the work of the Holy Spirit anymore than telling someone with Alzheimer’s Disease that they need to just strengthen their memory.

NEWSFLASH: Romans 12:15-16

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”

Harmony doesn’t mean you hold other Christians in a parent-child relationship dependent on who is more spiritual. Conceive of the fact for a moment that you might not know exactly what that person needs. You don’t need to fix or understand. Sometimes you just need to listen and love.

NEWS FLASH : Ecclesiastes 3

“… a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance… a time to embrace and a time to refrain…a time to be silent and a time to speak… He has made everything beautiful in its time; He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Now, before I get accused of over-correcting, there are times when we do need an attitude adjustment and/or a good smack up-side the head. There are times we need to be jerked out of the mud instead of gently led through a hurricane. Jesus calls us to lovingly care for each other’s needs.

Wait, are you saying I have to try to figure out what the person needs?

Um, aren’t you the one bragging about how different you are, how you’re trying to let people see what’s different about you (which is a whole other rant we need to have)?

Listen to the songs you sing Sunday mornings—really listen to what you are signing your name to; do you really mean, “I surrender all” or are these words that slip from your mouth by rote memory when you’re half asleep in the pew at 10:30?

Yes, as a member of the Body of Christ, you are expected to seek the Holy Spirit and figure out what that person needs. Will you always be right? Not in this world. Will the person always want your help? Probably not. You might have to be vulnerable.

Notice this about the “just be happy” advice? It all begins with you. The first word in the sentence transfers any responsibility of the person asking the question onto the person who is hurting. It’s as good as saying, This isn’t really my problem but this is probably what you’re doing wrong so let me straighten your tie here.

I’m going to leave you first with a passage that scares the hell out of me. I know that proportionately, I’m as gnarled and jaded with bitterness as the worse Christian with hypocrisy. Notice the responsibility Jesus places on the condemned.

Matthew 25: 41-46

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not visit me.

“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in a prison and did not help you?’

“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.”

He doesn’t say, “you did not try to cheer me up” or, “you did not tell me what I was doing wrong”, or even, “you did not preach the gospel.”

I learned about the mercy of Christ, trying to escape the judgment of the church. God is my closest friend, closer than a lover, because only He dried my tears when I screamed for help.

I don't remember where I heard this parable but it has stuck with me.

There was a shepherd one day who saw a flock of lost sheep grazing near his. He immediately invited them to the sheep pens, throwing out the flock he already owned. For dinner, he brought the lost sheep the best of the meal but let his own sheep pick through what was left over. He kindly and gently led the lost sheep into the softest place to bed while his own sheep remained outside in the cold. The next morning, after providing them with clean water and warm food, the shepherd asked if the lost sheep would like to remain and be part of his flock. They immediately declined and prepared to go about their way. When he asked why, the sheep replied that while they were grateful for his care while they were his guests, they had seen the way he treated the sheep he already possessed. “For the sake of wooing us, you neglected your own sheep and left them out in the cold. You reached out to count higher numbers in your flock but disregarded your own, and we’ll have none of it.”

And they continued to search for another shepherd.

Christian Men and Twilight

2010-07-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

If you’re unhappy with the post, freely complain or comment ROTTEN TOMATO, although, we may then assume your argument was crappy ;-)
If you like it, expound upon your enjoyment or comment flowers.

So, like every other breathing female, I’ve also fallen down the Twilight Saga rabbit-hole. I love that the movie has totally flipped history’s gender roles. Seriously, thousands of years of men sexually objectifying women and we got all our revenge at a three-day Twilight convention.
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, this movie has put guys ON EDGE, Christian and non. Guys tend to focus on the sparkling and the “vegetarian” life-style that greatly contrast with the other vampires in the story and other vampire series. On a side note in defense of Stephanie Myer, vegan vampires were already around, such as those in True Blood, Angel from Buffy and Louis from Anne Rice’s decadent saga.
When I hear guys talk about the sparkling, it’s always in that tone that says these vampires are so pathetically girly and weak I can’t take them seriously. Which is funny, because with each vampire’s particular gift, they look an awful lot like X-Men……..
I haven’t taken a poll or done a study on this; it’s purely based on my experience, but some guys are a little bit more honest at times about what actually bugs them about Twilight vampires. While comparing other heart throbs with Edward (sorry, I’m Team Edward, don’t judge me), a guy friend complained to me that Edward sets the standard impossibly high for how men treat women. So let’s remove the smokescreen, shall we?
Guys: We need to point out the sparkling or we’ll have to explain why we don’t measure up to them.

Bullocks.

Pay attention guys.
It’s not the incredible strength and speed, though that’s nice. It’s not his willingness to watch while Bella sleeps, though that’s creepy AND nice. It’s not the money that doesn’t seem to have a limit, though that’s nice. It’s not anything that you yourself can’t do. Here are a few (million) examples.

Edward is a Gentleman
 He introduces himself to Bella’s father.
 He picks her up for school even though she has a car (I concede that it’s easier to do this in a small town).
 He opens doors for her.
 Edward uses his “time” to learn languages and earn diverse and sundry degrees.
 Edward encourages Bella to pursue her education.
 Edward doesn’t use his life to whine and moan (at least not in the book anyway, I’m not saying anything about the movies) like Louis (Interview with A Vampire), to develop a Messiah Complex like Angel (Buffy/Angel), to get rich off Strip Clubs (True Blood), or to stalk beautiful young women for blood and sex (I had to end with Dracula).
 Edward is cultivated but not a snob; he discusses philosophy, literature, history, ethics, and so on with Bella, which in my book is a two-pointer.

Edward has a Spine
 He doesn’t require the approval of his family and he makes Bella one of them (not in the vampire sense here).
 He doesn’t hide their untraditional relationship from family or people at school.
 He acts when Bella is insulted, unhappy, or in danger, but he doesn’t go all HULK SMASH. Other vampires leave Bella alone because of his presence. He never looks at her and says, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”
 He, quite simply, takes action on Bella’s behalf.

Edward is Sentimental
 He understands stupid events like the proms or weddings and refuses to let Bella miss them (I’m actually more with Bella despising these events but most guys might ask a second time after a refusal and then burst into a joyful hymn to God.

 He spends a considerable amount of time not making out with Bella, simply chatting, listening to music, helping her study, watching her cooking or doing chores.

 Edward isn’t a third date kind of guy; he’s actually willing to marry Bella before sex, of course making the huge risk he’ll be stuck with bad sex his entire life…existence (and yes, I did hear that from one guy, explaining why it was necessary to have sex before marriage). I mean, really?

Okay, there is nothing here requiring super human speed and strength. Most girls don’t even expect a third of this. But you know what? They hope for it, desperately.
Some lyrics by popular artists:

So much for my happy ending…-Avril Lavigne
Bury the Castle…-Paramour
This time, I’ll save myself…-Evanescence
I am a princess on the way to my throne-Alanis Morisette
I’m not your princes; this ain’t a fairy tale.-Taylor Swift
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone….
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess…-Taylor Swift again.

Now look at the names of some devotions for women:
Captivating-Staci and John Elderidge
Let me be a Woman-Elizabeth Elliot
Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Life Long Love-P.B. Wilson
There’s not enough room to list all the books in the romance section….

And the best part, is that this is possible because for so long it was the norm.

But the women were suppressed when social codes demanded men were gentlemen.
Then change the freedoms of the women, not the chivalry of the men. Because today, we’re still paying more for our jeans except the guys can treat us like crap AND get sex.

But guys aren’t used to expressing themselves.
GET OVER IT.

But people will think we’re gay!
First of all, there are worse things, but anyway, stop letting gay guys be the only ones with swagger! If we could wear corsets for hundreds of years, and high heels and have PMS (sometimes all at the same time), you can develop your masculinity beyond cutting down trees and peeing standing up.

And if this article made you angry, you’re probably the kind of guy for whom it’s written. 

Faith

2010-07-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

I think there's a lot of things in the Body of Christ today that need to change, beyond the "we're all fallen" margin. I think we've made the church absolutely toxic for people who aren't part of the club and that includes scarlet letter Christians inside. I am bitter and angry, as one of those scarlet letter Christians, and I hope that you forgive me, but it doesn't erase accountability for how we have warped the Body of Christ. For people outside the church, I'm sorry for how we've treated you. For people inside the church, I'm sorry I am so damn angry. Please forgive me.

....And some of this is totally random crap I wasn't sure where else to put....